You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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