even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
