genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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