Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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