I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
