Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Randomize
