I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
