Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
