But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
