found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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