So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
