tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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