dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
