I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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