No, drunk sperm still make babies.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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