ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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