he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
