I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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