This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
