i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
