At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
