I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Even my vagina gasped.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
