You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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