I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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