I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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