Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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