I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize