My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
