i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
