Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
