I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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