So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If I die, sorry about rent.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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