There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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