return my video game
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
