Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
