I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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