You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
