did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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