He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
This is the high leading the old right now
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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