My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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