Got a toothbrush?
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
