alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
