can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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