Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize