May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
