My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Pants 0. Shit 1.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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