my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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