how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
