saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
