There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
honey bunches of taint.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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