you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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