Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
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