how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
