She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
