you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
