You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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