im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
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