I'm eating all of the evidence.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
