guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
They have beer where we have blood.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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