hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just invented taco cereal.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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