He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
cat food counts as protein by the way
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
