OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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