she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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