I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
