Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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