OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
