During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
