Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize