I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Randomize
