quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
