Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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