i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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