Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Plan B is the new Plan A
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
