Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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