saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
