I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
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