i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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