Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Life is so much better after having sex.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
