Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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