i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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