you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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